Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed