Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
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Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’