Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
it’s not been my year
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Actually cracking up @ this
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
good work, detective
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’