Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.