Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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Ovenable?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid