“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*