“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”