“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.