yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
This is a whole mood;
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*