yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them