yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
You Might Also Like
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS