Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Single worst piece of software ever invented
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish