Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
You Might Also Like
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
why neck hurt
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Nice try, poison.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book