Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Sign of the day..
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.