Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’m having an out of money experience.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: