Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
#MeanwhileinCanada
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this