yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
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Body by Oreos
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
