yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”