yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
What
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends