yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You Might Also Like
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The prophecy is fulfilled
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
i meant to share this earlier
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Easy enough.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.