Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Breaking news:
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.