Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Wolves should really raise more people.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?