yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
lol
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
accurate
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary