Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance