Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”