Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.