Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

😍😂🥰😂😍

Erm…

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

My brain is a bad influence on me

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.