Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Every work call, he judges.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.