Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”