Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.