Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
FRED: right
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
