yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”