yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’