Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me driving through Toronto
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
who named him groot and not spruce lee
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.