Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

THIS HEADLINE

being a writer on Twitter:

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

I already tried new things thanks.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.