Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
The game has officially changed 😎
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.