Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles