Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.


[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass


Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.


Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.


if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life


All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.


If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.