@literally_is_me

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

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@UnFitz

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

@TheHyyyype

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@juliussharpe

A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

@squirrel74wkgn

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

@minkpinkustink

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@Adar79Angie

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.