Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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Lmao
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*