yeah nice try. not falling for that again
You Might Also Like
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
