yeah nice try. not falling for that again
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood