yeah nice try. not falling for that again
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yeah not falling for this one
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.