Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

My Guy

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50