Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
dam girl
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Who’s your best friend?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
how to market bottled water to dads
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Perfect
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday