Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

This one’s “Alex”.

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me