Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Festive toon…

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.