yeah no that’s fair
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed