yeah not falling for this one
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?