yeah not falling for this one
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I love this❤️😁👍
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
had to share :’)
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling