yeah not falling for this one
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Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!