These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets