Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
