Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Good news
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.