Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking