Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
#CatsOnTwitter
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”