Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick