Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
that wasn’t the question
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
this is me
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.