Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right