Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.