me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
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I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
New mindset, who dis?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah