yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.