yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Breaking news:
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…