Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Smile they said.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)