Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?