Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
You Might Also Like
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
🙁
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.