Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
This took me a second..
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.