Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
You Might Also Like
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.