Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you