Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
You Might Also Like
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Traveler’s camo
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?