Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific